i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
