fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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