a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
