The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
