she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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