Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
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