either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Randomize
