i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I look better un-naked...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
