Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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