I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
