things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
