I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
