i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
