new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Barsexuality is the new black.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
There r osticjed everywhere
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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