I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
