I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
