Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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