Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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