Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
