Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
