I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
