I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
