Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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