ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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