I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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