i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
