I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
