from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
