I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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