If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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