Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
