either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
he told me I talked like a deaf person
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
