Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
