So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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