Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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