Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
