I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize