My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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