Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Randomize
