On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
