i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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