I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
