Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
