I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
