Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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