Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
