bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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