On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
