watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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