I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
