sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
