he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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