i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
