Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
