Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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