I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
