fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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