thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
