Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I did not marry a roomba.
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