Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
